Michael’s note: this is a very long (8k words) essay to celebrate Beomgyu’s birthday. Hope you enjoy it!
I can’t remember the details of reading The Little Prince as a kid, but one thing has stuck with me. When you encounter someone like le petit prince, cherish them with your heart.
Over the years I forgot this epiphany. It’s only fiction after all. How can anyone like the little prince exist in this harsh world?
One day I met Choi Beomgyu.
This young man from Daegu somehow changed me first subtly and gradually, and then suddenly and drastically. This entire time I thought I was anti-romantic. It turns out, I just haven’t met him…
Today is Beomgyu’s 22nd birthday (23rd in Korean society), so I want to celebrate it with an essay. This essay includes some projections, but I think they help explain why Beomgyu is so endearing to bamtoris.
Beomgyu is the prince of duality (Le Prince de Dualité) who exemplifies love and beauty in such a rare extent to find in this world. And fortunately, he is inviting us to join this journey of a lifetime with him from the very beginning!
I dug up notes scattered over the years and re-read his interviews (including the excellent 2022 Dream Week) and journal entries. I have accumulated so many links and clips, three nights of initial writing and then two weeks of editing later I am still not quite done!1 Alas, his birthday is today, so I can’t take forever.
This essay reads like a series of sprawling mini-essays (it’s 8k words!). You can treat them as standalone pieces, skip around, and take your time. Unlike essays we write for school (which sucks), I do not have a central thesis to stick to. It’s Beomgyu we are writing about! However, you should still draw your own conclusions from reading this.
Beomgyu considers a playlist to be his friend, so I made a playlist to push my creative and emotional buttons:
Ravel: Piano Concerto in G Major, II (to stay calm)
TXT: Maze in the Mirror (Beomgyu’s pre-debut years)
TXT: Blue Hour (Beomgyu’s blue period)
TXT: Our Summer (Beomgyu’s optimism)
TXT: 0X1 = LOVESONG (Beomgyu’s romanticism)
Air Supply: Even the Nights Are Better (Beomgyu’s childhood)
BTS: Reflection (Beomgyu’s sentiments)
I have many people to thank for making this essay and Moament possible: translators @304verse @translatingTXT and fellow bamtoris @beomiedeul, @fellforgyu, @beomiedaily, @cbgbot, @cutebeartiger for their kindness. These people have encouraged me. To the hundreds of people who shared beautiful moments of Beomgyu (via threads, photos, edits, arts, etc.), those who I cannot DM, and those of you who are reading this essay, thank you so very much!
Addendum: half a year later I come back to the essay and marvel at how far I have gone with writing for TXT and MOA. I’m grateful to all the love and joy I have encountered in the process - this essay will be included in my future essay collection (if it happens) and I hope to write a post-script to this then.
At its core, duality is about figuring out where we stand on different spectra. Because no one is completely A nor its opposite B, but somewhere in-between, personality tests can never accurately describe us. We all have a little bit of A and a little bit of B.
Yet at the same time, duality is what makes us human. It leads to internal conflicts that sometimes lead to reconciliation and other times less-than-desirable outcomes. The good news is some qualities complement one another and make us more capable of love, joy, and empowerment.
Beomgyu is one of a kind in this regard. He embodies duality in the most positive and admiring sense.
I think bamtoris can agree on his reality distortion field. We cannot take our eyes off of him not only because he is dashingly handsome (he really is!!), but also because there is something about him that moves us deeply. When that happens, it’s like going from zero to one. This feeling pops out of nowhere and now claims its rightful place in our hearts.
Watching Beomgyu over the years feels like watching a bildungsroman protagonist budding heads with the little prince. The former charges forward and looks for opportunities to grow, while the latter stops, looks at the sky and wonders why adults are so boring and how to make his happy memories last just a tad longer. Bildungsroman protagonists look in hindsight on remembrance past. The little prince looks at the present with mighty affection and focus.
And Choi Beomgyu does both.
He cherishes past memories (even the not-so-happy ones), but he also enjoys people’s presence, whether it’s during practice, performance, or living with members. Modern life rams us through the present and robs us of the opportunities to make fond memories, but Beomgyu is like our true North Star, showing us that it is indeed possible to focus on what makes life beautiful and worth living. He shows us how to love life and in turn love ourselves. (You can see BTS’s influence on Beomgyu. He bought HYYH Part 1 as a teenager after all.)
Going through Beomgyu’s interviews and early videos reminds me why I admire and love him in the first place. (190120 anyone?) While he is en route to make himself a better, kinder, and happier person (I use “make” because he is actively choosing this path), he has never forgotten his origins, memories that connect him to his pillars (family, friends, members, and now MOAs), and his determination to become that pillar for others.
Beomgyu changes for the better as he tries to understand himself better. At the same time he stays true to himself, preserves his acute awareness of what makes him him and contemplates the deeper things that connect us human beings. (One of the most common comments about Beomgyu is how much he has grown, but what often slips under the radar is how we are still UNDER-estimating how much he will grow.)
Many bamtoris consider him an angel in human form because he does something marvelous (and even miraculous) many of us don’t think is possible.
Beomgyu as Le Petit Prince:
To say Beomgyu understands human emotion is an understatement. He is incredibly gifted in forming emotional connections, yet he still wants to learn how to be happier and more mature to take care of his loved ones (which now happily includes TXT members and MOAs).
[I want to be] A warm person. My lifelong motto is “live positive.” But as I go through my daily schedule and spend time together with the other members, I sometimes see a very young side of me I didn’t know was there. I would like to be more mature and become the sort of person who’s warm to the people around me. (Weverse Magazine 201105)
The killer combo, however, is his courage and empathy. He embodies the best classic and modern virtues, a duality few, if any, possesses.
Beomgyu has always been open with his feelings. In his pre-debut diary he lamented not being able to express his love to his parents since he left home, yet he wrote “I love you mom and dad” in public.
During the Blue Hour era he was brave to express his vulnerabilities in front of his members because he was worried about Hueningkai. He was open to talk about feeling depressed and his slow recovery from such slumps.
But there are moments when even positive people feel sensitive or become weighed down by their thoughts. When I’m depressed, it’s like the lyrics say in “9 and Three Quarters (Run Away)”: Everybody in the world seems to be happy, except me. I could very much relate to those lyrics. (Weverse Magazine 201105)
To those who have gone through tough times, Beomgyu’s words speak volumes.
John Milton wrote in Paradise Lost, “the mind is its own place, and in it self can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.” I don’t know if Beomgyu has read Milton, but he definitely has the sensibility and intellect (another duality!) to grasp Milton’s point. Beomgyu knows how complex human beings are: he once said that he is the kind of person who lives a tired life from thinking too much.
When a MOA recently shared their struggle, Beomgyu made a touching TikTok in response.
There was a time when I struggled because I lost my confidence too. I wanted to increase my self-esteem and self-worth, so I started working out and giving various things a try. But i think the best out of all the things was to reflect on myself and start loving every little thing about myself.
Everyone goes through a period like this at least once, so don’t be too anxious about it. I love our MOAs very much and I’m always cheering you on, so I hope that you stay strong!! Have a happy day, MOA ❤️ (translation: @translatingTXT)
True empathy must be accompanied by bravery because you have to be willing to be vulnerable to tell the other person “I really know what you’re going through”. Beomgyu is not simply present for MOAs. He is not just giving advice. He is doing both while being acutely aware of his words and actions and their consequences. It is really difficult to communicate understanding, encouragement, and love while giving people a slight nudge towards positivity and hope at the same time. But he does it beautifully.
Beomgyu gets it. Beomgyu gets us.
When Beomgyu says he started “loving every little thing about myself”, we see the change taking place. Now he compliments his own good looks and beautiful voice with pride and a good laugh. That is not braggadocious. That is lovable. Bamtoris love his confidence and self-love.
While the sun brightens up our world, the moon quietly guides us through moments of loneliness, fear, and hurt. This duality between the sun and the moon is very Beomgyu. Every bamtori knows about the 3 AM and 3 PM metaphor because we see that happening time and time again.
Beomgyu channels the moon when he reminisces and contemplates. Despite being much dimmer than the sun, the moon calms his heart. It wakes up the little prince inside him. As Crystal Bell beautifully writes:
He also finds strength and energy in the stars. When he leaves the company building, his eyes tend to wander upward, still a Daegu boy at heart. The thing about living in a sprawling city is that you often forget to look up. You're so focused on moving straight ahead that you don't take the time to look around you, — to gaze at the moon and the watercolor sky and to imagine “what if?” (Paper Magazine)
We also see how brightly he shines. Whether it’s singing the mosquito song to make Big Hit staff chuckle or his little wiggle dance after fooling Jessi, he beams happiness and energy. When he is on stage, your eyes will naturally drift towards him even if he’s behind Yeonjun (who is beyond fantastic).
Yet time and time again, MOAs long for Beomgyu’s lunar aspect because we know Beomgyu is a healer. Plants can grow under sunlight, but only the moonlight can mend our broken hearts. When I read Beomgyu’s 2019 reply to a fan expressing how TXT helped them through depression, I knew right there and then that he is a keeper. His empathy envelopes you like a teddy bear, like Baymax.
The thing about depression is that it's something that even if you say is okay will suddenly come find you again. I'm also well aware of how it can make things hard for you to the extent that other people won't even be able to imagine. (translation: @translatingTXT)
The moon is subtle. It is present for you, but it never dominates the entire presence. Beomgyu does just that.
His reason for sharing his painful experience with MOA instead of offering direct advice is that “it’s for the best that I dealt with those things first.” I believe him when he says he treats MOAs like his friends.2 He shows genuine concern and care for people. This is why everyone around him lets Beomgyu be Beomgyu, even if it means he starts yelling out of nowhere or annoys the heck out of Yeonjun and Soobin. They know how humble he is, how grateful he is, and how caring he is. He earns and deserves the trust from people left and right.
The moon can be more nourishing than the sun.
Part of what makes the sun and the moon so special in our collective imagination is their consistency. They are here come rain or shine.
Beomgyu is consistent. He is persistent.
While I have known him for a long time, at times I am surprised to realize he is still the same wondrous, free-spirited, and wistful (sometimes saccharine) boy from the pre-debut days and the Daegu years. You certainly get this sense of jamais vu when re-reading his comments and diary entries.3
When Beomgyu went camping with members after their US showcase in May 2019, he recounted memories of eating meat and stargazing with his family in Daegu.
The two year's time I've spent away [from] my parents has already been long, so I thought I was okay with it now, but it didn't seem okay at all. (translation: @304verse)
I know that feeling perhaps all too well. Having left my family and hometown at age 11, I’ve been floating on my own for ten years, including three without seeing my mother. Some nights I would look up at the light-polluted sky in Southern California and wonder if my mom could see the same stars that I saw. I would often tell friends that it’s no big deal, but I knew deep down that I was not okay…
When Beomgyu was not feeling well in late 2020, he still wrote music and cherished his sense of wonder. Never once had he let the flame go out. We have the members, Big Hit staff, his family, and MOAs to thank for being his pillars during this difficult time.
I was looking up at the sky, a pink sky. It was really beautiful, just like in “Blue Hour,” and even when I wrote this other song was the same time of the day as in our title song. I loved that moment so much; I haven’t felt that kind of comfort while writing a song in a long time. (Weverse Magazine 201105)
Whenever I see the signature strawberry-orange sorbet sky in Southern California, delight jolts through my body. I hope Beomgyu and bamtoris can have many more moments of such tender lightness.
If consistency is the fuel ad infinitum (to infinity), then Beomgyu’s intensity ignites the near-impossibility - someone who is both relentless and passionate.
It only took one fan-cam for me to become a bamtori. Sometimes I would watch an hour of his performance just to remind myself how much he is into performing and how much he loves it. This is what passion looks like. This is also what persistence looks like. Everyone has passion. Not everyone can be passionate all the time, year after year.
Beomgyu can.
He’s always had a commanding stage presence. He goes all out in every performance. This give-it-my-all energy is especially entrancing, because such hard efforts are not guaranteed to be captured on camera. He does it anyway. He goes all-in for the people that gets to see him, no matter how many or how few there are: MOAs, staff, members, friends, family, and most importantly, himself. Only by doing that can he tell himself that he did well at the end of each day. Only by doing that can he know for sure that he is improving.
How the hell do you keep going like this? Doubt exists even for him. That is why Beomgyu relies on words of affirmation from members, staff, his family, MOAs, and himself.
There’s this one thing I always do: If I had a hard day, I look up at the sky and sigh. It’s my way of saying, Brush it all off—you made it through the day. (Weverse Magazine 210609)
To live passionately every single day is perhaps the most difficult thing to do in life, yet Beomgyu does that off-stage as well. It’s often said that small gestures show one’s true colors. Beomgyu is certainly someone who strives to do every little thing well, especially when it comes to people. When Soobin, Taehyun, and Hueningkai all say Beomgyu is the person they appreciate the most, bamtoris should not surprised. Whether it’s neatly arranging the drinks in the fridge, buying Soobin band-aids after midnight, or sharing snacks with staff, everyone notes his little acts of kindness. No pretense, just Beomgyu.
True to his inner little prince, Beomgyu is born free spirited. It runs in his family. His father took him swimming at the break of dawn, played baseball and rode playground swings with him, and took him for drives with ABBA and Air Supply blasting in the speakers. I can’t think of a childhood freer than that. Such is the duality of Beomgyu’s freedom-enabled environment and the Korean society at large.
Beomgyu grew up in an unconventional Korean family. His parents let him live freely based on his interests. They didn’t press him to conform to the pressure-cooking environment South Korea is known for. Though his father kindled his love for guitar, Beomgyu chose to play it. He chooses for himself. When Beomgyu went to a guitar class at church and played the guitar differently, the minister told him to either do it their way or not come back. He never went back.
I also hate when people tell me what to do. I think I’m the type to do better when I get to do what I want. (2021 Vogue)
One should take such statement with a grain of salt, but not with Beomgyu. His talents, drive, and persistence are so self-evident, people know instinctively that he will do well as long as he has conviction.4 Beomgyu didn’t intend to become an idol, but he wanted to tell stories and make music, to celebrate the moments in life with music no matter how small or seemingly insignificant:
I realized that if I was given the opportunity to debut that would give me the opportunity to tell my own story. (Paper Magazine)
And with that conviction he grew. He learned to set aside that the pursuit of liberty for a bigger happiness, a bigger cause (for MOAs, TXT, and his loved ones). When on stage, it’s time to focus and perform at 120%. Before he gets upset by others (and blocking his free spirit), he takes a second and thinks to himself “before you say anything, whether you’re letting your emotions get ahead of you, what purpose the thing you’re about to say serves, and if you’ll regret it if you do.”
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James 1:19
How do you not love him?
Family matters an incredible amount to Beomgyu. It is his source of joy and comfort. Family is where Beomgyu can recharge, be himself, and make incredible memories. But as the sixteen-year-old left Daegu to pursue his dream, moving to Seoul is no different than moving to Los Angeles or Tokyo. It’s a world apart. Such is the duality of life: you are closer to chasing your dreams, but you are further away from everything you are familiar with and possibly things that truly matter to you.5
On weekends when trainees from Seoul could go home, Beomgyu stayed in the dorms, working extra to keep up with more experienced trainees. To this day he regretted not going back home more often during that period. Those two years as a trainee must have been incredibly hard. In hindsight things may feel alright, but at the moment it often feels as if the world is crumbling at your feet.
Those days, my whole life was dance lessons, vocal lessons, writing songs, washing up at home, going to school, then back to lessons. Just repeating that over and over again while getting only three hours of sleep. (Weverse Magazine 201105)
He had to attend school full-time while having to catch up as a new trainee under plans to debut. The pressure and expectation kept accumulating, often leading to "falling asleep" (more likely to be exhaustion-induced temporal collapse). The members weren’t as close like today as they often recall. He was (mostly) alone like the little prince after leaving the Rose, or Harry Potter before Hagrid brought him to Hogwarts. It must have been tiring. A life like that would have broken many (if not most) of us, but Beomgyu persisted and debuted only two years after joining Big Hit.
In a bildungsroman, the protagonist leaves home, meets new people along the way, and grow more mature. Reality relentlessly smashes your head through the widows, so those who make it inadvertently become stronger. Beomgyu’s beautiful memories with his family may be all he had for a while. When you are on your own, the most reliable support are your loved ones back home. Even you yourself can be a source of doubt to the point others may not be able to help, even if they try.
He would recount the happy moments of drinking maesil (plum) juice as a child and doing the same during quarantine. His journal entries and V Live sessions were full of stories of things he did with his family.
But Beomgyu’s (positive) pride kept him from quitting. He wrote eloquently:
But after hearing those words [from my father telling me to come back to Daegu], I thought to myself that I can't ever make my mom and dad cry because of me again. And upon hearing them telling me to go back [to Daegu], I thought that I should face this difficulty with courage and overcome it. So I took my luggage, not to go to Daegu, but to go and get confirmation of my debut, then go to Daegu, so I held out. (translation: @304verse)
This is truly remarkable.
I still remember a scene vividly. One month after arriving America, my mother had to go back. At the airport she asked if I wanted to go with her and just treat this as a vacation. I stubbornly said no and told her to not worry about me, that I would thrive in America and live a better life. But as I saw her disappear from the departure gates, a part of my heart went hollow. I sobbed the entire night knowing that the only person that truly loves me in the world at that time was no longer with me, but I couldn’t tell anyone about it. That was when I realized I was truly on my own. I would do whatever it takes to make it in this new place, even if it kills me in the process.
Instead, Beomgyu internalized the moments of fear, self-doubt, and wanting to cry without worrying about the aftermath of doing so. Listening to Maze in the Mirror and closely reading its lyrics would reveal some of his thought process.
Maze in the Mirror is a song where I expressed the content of “I don’t know where I should go anymore, I can’t get out of this slump.”… Usually a slump comes my way when I think about my lacking. And when a slump starts eating me up, then it continues till the very end. At those times, I hate looking into the mirror because I don’t like any and all of my dance. (2021 Vogue)
For a free-spirited person, nothing is worse than not accepting yourself. Under the high pressure to do well, internal hope can quickly metastasize into grief, self-doubt, and self-hate. Nothing you do meets your standard and the more you try to change the more you hate yourself. You can’t take it out on others, so you cry and hurt yourself. You trap yourself in your own mental prison until the shackle becomes physical. You trash your own sense of self-worth. Who is this person I’m seeing in the mirror? Why do I find him so despicable and pitiful?
I hate this person.
But looking back, I was likely being overly strict with myself. I usually think of myself as a free spirit, but in a way I’ve set up a lot of rules for myself to follow. (Weverse Magazine 210609)
That is why seeing Beomgyu go through this tough period and come out much stronger is such a relief, but witnessing that transition is still painful.
At the end of the day, what does Beomgyu want? Feeling at ease at home and receiving love like he used to as a child. Yet time marches forward - we can never go back to those days. This is another duality, one with time and our longings.
Beomgyu remembers the blue moments here:
I think I know what it feels like to want to be loved…. After our debut I became distant for a little while. I didn’t make friends other than the group members, even though I knew exactly how good it feels to make new friends. I hid myself away despite knowing that. I thought the song [0X1 LOVESONG] was similar to that feeling of longing for relationships. (Weverse Magazine 210609)
While Beomgyu was seeking to be loved, he would also wonder whether asking for love would make him seem like a fool (of course not!). All he could really do is to look ahead and make his parents proud, make MOAs proud, and make the members proud. We bamtoris certainly hope he is proud of himself.
After watching the 220305 and 220306 MOA X Together fanlives, we can tell that he is proud of himself.
The good news is Beomgyu has slowly built another family that includes TXT, MOAs, and Big Hit staff (such as manager Jisoo, dance teacher Malibu, producers Bang and Slow Rabbit). Now he can take comfort in writing music, instead of treating it as the only outlet during those hard times to search for life’s meaning. The growth from his 2021 Vogue interview to 2022 Dream Week profile is incredible.
I am so proud of him.
Over the years we see TXT members’ incessantly teasing Beomgyu (look no further than Yeonjun x Beomgyu). If they don’t love Beomgyu this much, they won’t tease him like that, because some of those things can actually be very hurtful.6 You don’t do this to someone unless you’re really close and you are sure they know your intentions.
It’s so nice to see TXT members being comfortable with one another and acting like themselves. Silly, mean, happy, whatever it is, they are now together. Now it feels like watching siblings bicker. That makes them naturally funny. They even argue during interview, for example on Jessi’s Showterview and MMTG. It’s another duality where strangers (that are meant to be) come together under one dream and in the process become close like a family.
You can choose your family. That’s something I know Beomgyu will agree with.
At the same time, we see Beomgyu becoming more without feeling like he had to cheer everyone up all the time.This probably means they can have difficult conversations and talk about their struggles.
Being the mood maker is often downright tiring. When others are down, you need to cheer them up. Yet when you are down, you can’t necessarily show that part of you, which only makes things heavier and worse.7 You need to love and laugh just as much, yet you don’t always get to ask for it and receive it. So I’m glad Beomgyu is brave to admit that he no longer wanted to be the mood maker given its burden.8
When I introduce myself these days, I just say I’m Beomgyu. People aren’t required to explain themselves as a role they play... What I mean is, I just want to be who I am, not defined by any role. (Weverse Magazine 210609)
He still enlivens the atmosphere and makes people happy. He just doesn’t need to define himself as the mood maker. Now he can just be playful and serious and sentimental in front of his members. He is still their healer, their Angel313, but they have crossed the chasm together.
Now Beomgyu is just Beomgyu, our beloved Beomgyu.
He has a family of four brothers who will look out for him, talk to him during those blue hours, and bring out his whisker dimpled smiles all the time. He and Soobin can talk till 5 AM in the morning (while MOAs were speculating if he got a girlfriend…).
They mean everything to me now. Every day we’re together is different, and we seem to be good at keeping each other in good spirits. (Weverse Magazine 210609)
Whether it’s his beloved Hueningkai, his trusted Taehyun, his loving but irritated Yeonjun hyung (who openly loves him), and his dear friend Soobin, Beomgyu has gained the world and he deserves it.
Of course, Choi Beomgyu is still a romantic, no matter how hard he tries to convey the anti-romanticism in him (nice try though). Perhaps he learned too much about love from The Little Prince or he is the little prince…
When he said he has no ideal type for a romantic partner, he gave an impassioned speech that warmed bamtori’s hearts and made many fall for him even more:
You just have to like that person as a whole, because if you like one specific thing then that thing might change in the future. I think you should just love that person no matter what. (translation: @translatingTXT)
I will never have enough space to describe what makes Beomgyu adorable and lovable.9 His little moments of wonder; his duality of being 180 cm but jokkomi tiny; his pouting; his laughs and giggles. He gets mad and becomes carefree in an instant (yet another duality). The list goes on and go.10
And don’t ever forget that one time when he made up an entire story for the ice cream video on the Chaos Chapter: Freeze website. Click on the teddy bear icon.
I love his crackhead energy and his embracing comfort that feels like snuggles.
I have seen so many young talents fall through the cracks, my routine question has now become “what will they do in the long-term?”
Choi Beomgyu is one of the few artists I have full conviction since day one. He will do well regardless of what he pursues in music and in life. I have no set expectation for what he must achieve, because like I said before, his free spirit and hard work and goodness will lead him to do great things naturally.
And he knows it too.
Weverse Con was a time that made me feel "I'll make it if I just diligently walk on my path." (translation: @translatingTXT)
If we give Beomgyu and TXT enough space, enough support, and stand up against anyone stopping them from growing, then TXT will have the potential to redefine not only K-Pop, but what it means to be an artist and role model. And during that process we will also grow. We just need to focus on the long-term and make it possible for them to grow.
Of course, I look forward to his music, compositions, and English even more. I want more moments like “press this heart button” and “you know what I’m saying”. I would love for him to write more. Beomgyu is very expressive, so acting is a no-brainer.11 He has exquisite taste, so I think he will also make a great designer.12
Beomgyu’s future is bright and so are ours. He said during the 220306 concert that TXT will protect MOA forever. Yes, we will also protect you eternally (pun intended).
Although I have written an entire essay (unbelievable!!) in terms of dualism, this is only to highlight Beomgyu’s qualities. What bamtoris and MOAs must not forget is how Beomgyu is still growing in every possible way. His proxy for growth is the pursuit of happiness.
Adolescence is scary. Growing up away from home is even scarier. But this is how friendship gets built, how children learn to grow up and face their fears head on.
Beomgyu turned twenty in 2021, which meant legal adulthood in South Korea. By then he had spent more than three years away from home, attending high school in Seoul while shedding blood, sweat, and tears to debut.
Then the pandemic changed everything and killed everything Big Hit planned for TXT. Concerts, gone. Album concepts, scrapped. School, all remote. Family, separated. MOAs, unable to meet. Personal space, null.
When he was struggling pre-debut, debut was the light at the end of the tunnel. He could tough it out and he did. But with the pandemic came extreme uncertainty. Free-spirited Beomgyu was caged, physically and mentally. He was separated and alone.
There was a time where I looked around me thinking whether there are other people outside of our members who I can truly rely on, but surprisingly there wasn't a single one with whom I felt I could tell my deepest feelings to. (translation: @304verse)
Beomgyu wrote many intimate journals to MOAs, especially during his time on Kiss The Radio. He was feeling unsure, yet words of affirmation were not enough to fully pull someone out of a slump. You somehow had to drag yourself out, similar to Batman in The Dark Knight Rises.
Honestly I've been having a lot of thoughts lately [in early 2021]. As a person myself, who am I to others? Am I a person who others can rely on when they're having a hard time? I thought about these a lot. (translation: @304verse)
It must have been a scary time for Beomgyu and TXT, not because of the virus, but what might lay ahead. The group debuted with a lot of expectations and already went through plenty of challenges (e.g. comeback delay, antis). Collide that with the formative years of a young man. From age seventeen to the early-twenties, the world spins non-stop around you. It’s the age of spin. You cannot afford to not think about all the big questions, even if you are on a pre-determined track (such as an idol or professional athlete). And thinking leads to confusion and fear, as it naturally does.13
Everyone changes, you know. When I was 18, and when I was 19, and every year, if not every month, my values and my personality keep changing. Who am I? Am I happy? I kept tossing those kinds of questions around and struggling with them back then. I guess I was stuck in a rut at the time. (Weverse Magazine 210609)
The best answer he could give at the time was to search for freedom, because that was his standard for happiness. But freedom was not as clear an answer as it seemed. Free from what? Does free magically lead to happiness? But if being free does not guarantee happiness, then what does? What even is happiness?
[Answering who I am?] That’s hard. I can’t tell you for certain who I am, even now. (Weverse Magazine 210609)
However, he was already changing. Happiness is not a solo game. Happiness can be shared! You can make others happy. Others can make you happy. And making others happy can make you happy. The moment this clicks, the world opens up.
And here is scholar Choi contemplating the human condition.
I haven’t solved all the questions, but you’re growing whenever you ask yourself questions like that. It’s good in hindsight. (laughs) One thing I realized was that I want to take care of the people around me more than I want to take care of myself. Even if it’s a little inconvenient for me, I tend to think I can be happy so long as the other person’s happy. (Weverse Magazine 210609)
Beomgyu understands the importance of asking these difficult questions that never come with a straightforward answer, for the answer changes all the time for everyone. But one can start looking at things that don’t change and hold onto those pillars, to anchor oneself before making steady progress. Learning to live with the unease of these heavy questions and still maintaining a fighting spirit isn’t easy, but it does something amazing - you light the fire inside others’ hearts, whether it is a burning flame or a warm candle light.
And change he did.
Beomgyu has never been happier. You see it in interviews, in performances, and in TXT videos. You also see it because he hasn’t written a lot or posted on social media since the second half of 2021. In fact, many people were worried about his inactivity until his 2022 interview came out.
But you know how I said that 2021 was a very happy year for me, because I was happy, I never though about anything too deeply. That's why I barely posted any diary entries in 2021. It's because I was happy.
Since I was really happy, I didn't have to think of such things. I know that MOAs might get upset by thinking "ah why isn't Beomgyu posting any diary entries lately?" but now, I think "How did I even write a post like this back then?" That's how happy I am. (translation: @translatingTXT)
Instead of searching for a definite answer, Beomgyu learned to set aside the unbearable lightness of being. What good does such deep pondering do? That’s not how you attain happiness. When you already have acres of diamonds in your backyard, why are you trying to find the grand diamond mine that “promises” riches and happiness? Just pick up the shovel and get those glistening rocks from where you are already! And Beomgyu has found the diamonds to his happiness.
Contrast this epiphany with his comment of being stuck in a rut. He has grown. He has learned to be happy. He has learned to let go. This is not the end, but it is a significant stage in this journey.
During the March 2022 Elle interview, Beomgyu said spending time with members and friends is his new standard for happiness. He is still trying to make sense of his pursuit, since his definition of happiness changes every year. But even during the recent concerts, we can tell how happy he already is.
And he is certainly growing, even in the meta-sense.
I think just wanting to grow or having the desire to do it is already growth in itself. And if you want to do it, you keep putting in effort towards it.
I think that in 2021, I got the time to look back at myself and figure out more about myself through it. That's how I think I grew. (translation: @translatingTXT)
Beomgyu is running towards tomorrow. He is thinking about how to run faster, better, happier and longer. He is harnessing everything to power up, to bring love and hope, and to become a better version of Beomgyu tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, together with members and MOAs.
And he is only beginning this journey of a lifetime. We are lucky to be his companions.
Well, this essay took a long time (fifteen hours on the first draft and another five on revision). I kind of went ahead and dumped everything into essay form, so to anyone who read through it all, I want to applaud you and give you an air hug. 🧸
Beomgyu has lived in public eyes for three years, two of which in a pandemic. While it has not been easy to say the least, he has made me and many MOAs realize two fundamental truths at the same time.
One, Choi Beomgyu is indeed special, for he faced his internal enemies head on, fought hard and studiously, and emerged victorious. Two, he never lost sight of who he is, even during his search for meaning and happiness.14
Beomgyu has taught me so many valuable lessons: to keep being who I am and never lose sight; to pay attention and rejoice in the little things; to love others with my all; to be persistent, resilient, and full of passion; to become more emotionally open and courageous to be vulnerable; and most importantly, to never stop growing.
Like I said in the beginning, take this essay with a grain of salt, but if something resonates with you, then that’s all that matters. This essay is simply a long snippet of my thoughts and emotions as of March 2022. It’s going to change as well. I hope as time goes by, more bamtoris can get together and rejoice in the beautiful human that is Choi Beomgyu.
Just as Beomgyu wrote in his 210420 diary:
Thank you for coming back to find this warm spring on days you feel cold. Like MOAs said, although spring comes with rain and wind too, I think that my spring is able to be warm thanks to MOAs. I hope this will be the case for MOAs too.
Thank you for being the season of spring. (translation: @304verse)
Well, thank you for existing as my spring season Choi Beomgyu. I respect you. I admire you. I love you. March and April are lovelier and more hopeful because of you and MOAs. I think all bamtoris can agree on that.
Ending with Beomgyu hearts. Many thanks to all bamtoris, MOAs, TXT members, Big Hit staff, and everyone’s families. I hope to meet you in the future.
P.S: if you find this worthwhile, please give Moament a read as well!
The great writer Robert Caro once advised to turn every page. I’ve been doing that with writing ever since. It makes writing much harder but also much more enjoyable. I try my best to impart a certain mood for readers to immerse in.
Beomgyu views friends as people you want to deliberately be with during even the darkest moments. Someone who completes you. C.S. Lewis’s The Four Loves has an illuminating chapter on friendship.
When I was rewriting this paragraph for the nth time, I realized why I had so much trouble writing this essay. This essay does not follow a linear narrative, but a circular one. Every aspect of Beomgyu connects to another until everything comes together.
I may be projecting, because my mother has never told me to do this or that other than do the right things and take responsibilities for my actions. In fact, my embrace of freedom actually produces an incredible amount of self-pressure, because I need to hold myself accountable. Beomgyu probably goes through that too, which again explains why his love language is words of affirmation.
And TXT is fully aware of it. After all, they wrote Drama, Can’t You See Me and Ghosting.
This is why many young people feel crushed in their existing friend groups, because others have a certain expectation for you to be the cheerful and funny one, without acknowledging that you also have emotions and need them to chip in as well. Friendship is not a performance. It’s an exchange of love and support. Yet many people inflict damages on their friends by not giving enough love, support, and understanding (if any).
It is still endearing to hear him call himself the mood maker on occasions like Music Bank.
To that end I thank many fan accounts for brightening my days with their tweets, threads, and clips on Beomgyu’s beauty, cuteness, and kindness. You make me happy every day. It’s crazy now there is this much Beomgyu content, when even in early 2021 it was a very different case.
The part I planned to write the most about ended up being the shortest, because I realized I could never do a job as good as all bamtoris combined.
He can slay two roles particularly well already: the romantic guy (who bears a lot of sorrows) and the guy who is tormented by psychological trauma (because he is so acutely aware of human emotions and the effects of one’s past).
Beomgyu cardigan, Beomgyu scarf, Beomgyu barette, Beomgyu perfume, Beomgyu everything!
For example, when I graduated high school, everything I planned kept falling apart to the point I really had no clue what would happen. In hindsight I was being ridiculous, but those moments were also real.
Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search For Meaning is a life-changing book for many, not because the story is full of plot-twists, but because of the implication: how one can still find meaning and happiness in literally the worst possible scenario (Frankl was imprisoned in a concentration camp).